I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
