I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
