I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
