Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
