Whod you bang
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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