I think my fart just growled at me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
