There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
