I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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