she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can't put those talents on a resume
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
