im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
