Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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