You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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