Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
