You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
