What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
