It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
