it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
