I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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