I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
