U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
