I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
