You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
