Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
