So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
