He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
