Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
