if only i could text you this smell
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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