the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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