There was a lot of him and a little penis
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
