living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
