I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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