it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
