I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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