You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
