So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
