Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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