im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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