thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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