Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
