tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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