Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
