dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There r osticjed everywhere
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
