i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
