i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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