I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
