Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
