the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
