i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
