Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
