i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
