He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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